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While the last few days had been painful, they'd also been some of the happiest of her life. It was true that she'd left everything; every last support and constant in her entire life, to live upon the mountain as a hermit. Yet it was here, in this chrysalis of ice, that she had found herself. She'd formed its walls and spires, from the very depths of her spirit which she'd always kept hidden. And within it, she was growing. Forming into a stronger and more self-accepting adult.
It was a lonely existence, yes, but most of her life had been. Here, she could be herself. Could play and experiment and let loose again. She'd shed her responsibilities and the expectations of others, in order to better understand what to expect of herself. It was jarring and concerning, yes, but the freedom and inner strength she had found within it, thoroughly overwhelmed such doubts.
Upon the mountain, rose her own triumph, after that uphill climb. And any who wished to see her? They would have to endure such a path, as well. Not a treacherous one of course, as she meant no harm to anyone. But certainly a difficult hike, only for those who were determined enough to continue trudging upwards through the snow.
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Date: 2022-10-07 10:03 pm (UTC)From:"I just... I don't know why it came out as spikes. I didn't mean to scare anyone. As when I made this palace, my ice flows from my feelings. But I didn't want to hurt anyone. I was defensive. Protective. There was too much at risk, too much wrong and so much pressure to respond."
Remembering the way she'd cowered from the room, and the way everyone had just stopped, Elsa nervously cupped the lower half of her face with both hands.
"You'd think I would have walled them out. Not... made something that would scare them worse."
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Date: 2022-10-09 10:32 am (UTC)From:"...mm. I can think of two reasons, although first, let us bear in mind that you also did not hurt anyone. If that had been your desire, I have no doubt that you'd had the means to do as you wished."
He pauses a beat to let that point settle in before he continues.
"As to those reasons... if you'd pardon my saying so, I'd propose that you were perhaps not only protective, but also frustrated and frightened. It wasn't hard to tell that Lady Anna was pushing with all her indomitable might against the limits of your patience, deliberately try to get a reaction. I can only imagine a part of you--very understandably--wanted her not only to let you escape, but also to back off. I gather your practice has generally been to avoid causes for anger, rather than confronting them and actively directing that anger."
Another pause, partly to let her weigh what he'd just said, but also to decide how best to express his other thought.
"...as to the second... I believe you've made it rather obvious that you see your ability above all as a danger, as something to be contained and concealed--as something that is terrifying to you, and should be terrifying to others. In light of my own experience, I'd suggest that the manifestation of your power is at least strongly influenced by how you perceive it."
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Date: 2022-10-09 09:09 pm (UTC)From:Nodding as he pointed out that she hadn't hurt anyone, Elsa listens and thinks back to those moments that she'd shrunk back against the door. He was of course correct, regarding her feelings towards Anna at that moment. The protectiveness was the first thing she'd thought of, but without fear she'd have had no need to be protective at all, and frustration was the obvious result.
She had wanted them to back off, yes, but not in a way that meant she'd threaten them. She had power, both political and magical, that they did not, and she'd never even consider using it in such a way.
He was correct that she'd mostly repressed and avoided negative emotions, rather than metabolizing them, and that her perception of her abilities was a very big factor. But still... the spikes bothered her. It didn't make sense. She hadn't been trying to unleash anything at them, or scare them away or show them that they should be scared of her magic. She had enough political authority to just leave the room without such a show.
But ice spikes... were also icicles, right? Even though they weren't at the correct angle for it. Tiny little droplets coalescing over time, and coming to a point. Maybe that's what it had been? Not a fortification or a threat, although it had felt like those, too. But underneath it... just pent up feelings? A thousand little shards that she'd kept within her, until they couldn't be curbed anymore. Until they'd burst out, clear and reflective, cold and hard.
"They were icicles," she murmured, surprised and oddly gentle with herself in the realization. "All the droplets of emotion, streaming outward. Pointed, but not in threat."